okay hopefully jeff can come back and fix this if i mess it up again.
i am planning on finishing this to put into my packet, but it needs some real finishing. i feel as though it still needs another stanza, between the 3rd and 4th, mostly so i can get away with the last two lines of the poem and whatever is going on in the second because i don't think i've dealt with that appropriately yet. i would appreciate your thoughts.com.
thank you,
House on the hill
Long after you,
I slipped into the house
with keys of matted twig.
It nestled
& I knew the train would come.
The engine that moved
under your voice & I a mouth
buckled, it never pronounced.
Clouds molted.
The tracks behind the house
stretched under the train
and shrunk back.
Dust sifted
& plumed as my fingers
wandered sills, jams
into the yard.
I fell to your palms
& they held
the long beat of night
when it was birdless.
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yay!!!
ReplyDelete"clouds molted" and "plumed" both let "birdless" get sold much better! the "it" in the 2nd stanza is a little confusing, I'm not sure which "it" is being discussed. maybe "if" would work? also, the tracks going under both the voice and the train could work so bombastically if you brought those two subjects closer, maybe with another stanza. this is really taking some wonderful shape kat!!!
I agree with much of what Jeff mentioned. I connected the 'it' in stanza 2 to either the house itself or the key, so clarifiying the antecedent will help. I would add that stanza between 3 and 4 just to see if you can get more out of the poem, but it works well as is in my opinion. Otherwise, not much to offer. You've got a wondeful poem with breathtaking effects.
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